Barriers & Boundaries - Do You Know the Difference?
Boundaries Series: One
Barriers and boundaries are not the same, yet often get confused when there is emotional pain involved; particularly when it’s subconscious - and we are not aware of our reactions and behaviours.
Barriers
We all have beliefs, feelings, thoughts and coping mechanisms that hurt us, but we’re not always fully aware of their effect on us. They became part of our way of being (as a protective mechanism) after an emotional pain, most often when we’re young. But as we grow older, they no longer help us, but hinder our emotional growth. They stop us living life to the full, and are based in fear.
Barriers are limitations, placed upon us by our society, family, close relationships and ourselves.
They are imposed through rules, regulations, demands, pressure and the less loving emotions such as anger, fear, disdain and insecurity. Whilst we may not be able to change some of the barriers imposed upon us, we can begin to remove many of them, particularly the ones we place on ourselves - our limiting beliefs.
Think of them this way: Walls are stoppages, to people, experiences and our own emotions. They protect from emotional pain. But they also hurt us in the long run, because we can’t change something we don’t face.
Example of a Barrier: Fear of Vulnerability
How It Hurts:
We develop a barrier of avoiding vulnerability, stemming from past experiences of betrayal or rejection. This barrier manifests as an unwillingness to open up emotionally, share feelings, or depend on others. While this protective mechanism might feel mentally safe, it ultimately isolates us, preventing deep and meaningful connections.
Over time, this isolation can lead to loneliness, depression, anxiety, and a feeling of emotional disconnection, even in relationships that should feel close. The lack of authentic communication and intimacy can also hinder personal growth and fulfillment, as we remains trapped in a cycle of fear and mistrust. And most importantly, from a somatic point of view, you won’t have feelings of relief or happiness, when you finally allow someone in, allow yourself to be vulnerable with them. But instead will feel sad, angry, resentful, ignored - all of which you’ll feel in your body; either in your heart, solar plexus or guts. These are messages that something needs attention. You might not remember why something feels wrong but your body remembers - that’s why we have physical reactions to things.
How Barriers Can Be Repaired:
Repairing the barrier of fear of vulnerability involves a few key steps:
Acknowledgment: The first step is recognizing that the fear of vulnerability exists, and we may have a need to understand its origins.
Gradual Exposure: Slowly exposing ourselves to situations that require vulnerability can help build tolerance and reduce fear. (This could start with sharing small, less personal details with trusted friends or loved ones and gradually opening up more deeply as comfort grows.)
Developing Trust: Building trust in safe relationships is crucial. It involves both trusting others and becoming trustworthy ourselves. (This can be nurtured by engaging in open, honest communication and demonstrating reliability.)
Seeking Support: Working with a friend or coach can provide a safe space to explore and challenge these fears. (Therapy can offer tools and strategies to manage anxiety and build healthier emotional habits.)
Practicing Self-Compassion: It's important to be kind to oneself during this process. Acknowledging that vulnerability is a strength rather than a weakness can help shift the perspective and reduce the self-criticism that often accompanies fears of opening up.
By taking these steps, the unhealthy barrier can gradually transform into a healthy boundary that allows for emotional safety while still enabling meaningful connections and personal growth.
Something for you to think about, journal on, talk about…
Recall a time you now know your vulnerability barriers prevented you forming a connection or relationship? Maybe you pushed someone important away, found yourself clamming up at an event, not knowing what to say? Maybe it was isolating yourself thinking it felt safer?
What feelings & thoughts do you remember having? And which emotions? What do you think that emotion (message) was trying to tell you?
Next Time: Boundaries
Boundaries are also limits, but these are chosen by us. They are the lines that define the limit of one person and the beginning of another, and the lines drawn even within ourselves which we do not cross in terms of attitudes, beliefs and behaviour. They define what we are comfortable with, and what we won’t tolerate. Boundaries are softer and belong to us in the sense that we place them where WE choose. They are transparent, flexible, moveable and based in self-respect and our personal values. They allow us to grow in a way that works for us. Boundaries are more like bridges…
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